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Days and Things

I estimate (without checking) that it’s been over two weeks since the last time I posted. Quite a number of things have happened, or been done, but somehow all the activity doesn’t feel as though it’s been added up; I suppose this is what it must feel like to be on the loose end. That feeling of things not having amounted is starting to nag, although things are hardly uncomfortable. 

The days do seem to be having a different quality to them. It’s not just the fact that bumming on time that feels like your own feels very different from bumming on time that doesn’t feel like your own; rather, most days actually feel like they’re positively good or positively (negatively?) bad. This may sound utterly unremarkable, but when I consider how the days since July have seemed to pass, the positively good or negatively bad days were the exceptional ones. Most days were ‘okay’ (the tone of voice would indicate some slight degree of positive or negative deviation from the norm), but most often their defining quality was whether they were ‘productive’ or ‘unproductive’. 

It’s true, some days felt like all-too-brief relief, but they weren’t usually positively good, even if they were somewhat positive. Not even all the days that were marked by triumph at the completion of some important stage in the progress of the big project were positively good. I don’t mean there was some kind of deficit of good things or bad things; there were many moments to treasure. But I suppose that when most of one’s energies are applied to the attainment of some goal, the exertion of it tends to imbue the time spent with a monotonous quality.

All this may sound a bit sad, but it actually seems only natural that periods of time spent immured in some pursuit or other alternate with periods of respite; I don’t merely mean ‘relative inactivity’ when I say ‘respite’, because at such times we turn our energies to other things that are perhaps just less easily quantifiable, and, perhaps, also more colorful. That we can even make distinction between monotony and color, exertion and respite, and positively good and somewhat positive, says something about the nature of our days. Certainly it helps me keep things in proportion, despite every wave of immoderation.

That feeling of things not having amounted is starting to nag, but I’m not going to start counting just yet. 

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You know, I’ve had a lot of good days so far, thanks to the people I call friends and family, and the person I call God, and all the good things they’ve given or shared with me.

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