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Wretchedness & Happiness

It feels as though things are different again this new year. Things change, people go, or become busy with different things at different times, new plans are made and new ventures are considered, but even considering that these things were felt in the wake of another festively busy long weekend, I felt more adrift than can be easily explained.

With regards to the title, the former feeling came with realizing how thoroughly hobbled by a lack of self-control I was, when my resolve to wake up and work out faltered two days in a row. After my long mornings spent skimming my news feeds and playing Team Fortress with the few people who are online at the time, I generally find myself starting to be productive, usually because my self-disgust will not permit me to do anything else. In the worst case, I end up taking an unnecessary nap instead of being productive, in which case I wake up feeling even more wretched.

But even in these three days post-weekend, I have also experienced the sense of accomplishment from a passage (of scripture, literature or music) well-considered, lesson well-prepared or delivered, or itinerary well-arranged. Once again, I think I have the pursuit of that feeling confused with the state of happiness. These activities tend to become justifications for and a validation of a life lived less than well, and if I am preoccupied with that unresolved question then they will become rather empty pursuits. If I am happy in the course of or in the wake of some of them, I should realize it may be less consequential than incidental.

Justification and validation seem like inevitable pursuits, and they are often actually worth pursuing, but they have a limit, and they do not satisfy. Neither do many of our attempts to transcend. Earlier I mentioned I felt adrift, but what does it mean to find anchor?

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Categories: Reflection
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